Tag: transmandad

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

The Birds and the Bees Talk.

Read more under cut.

K has always been a curious fellow, so when he came home and asked if “The word Sex meant hello?” as another student told him it did, I had to set him straight. I couldn’t have him waving hello to people shouting out “Sex!” thinking that’s what it meant.

My Wife and I had already explained the basics to him previously, he knew he was in his mother’s tummy until he was ready to be born, he also knew that he came out her vagina. He found this funny and gross.

So my Wife and I sat him down this one day and explained exactly how a baby is made, and what the word sex meant. We did it in a somewhat scientific manner – K is obsessed with documentaries and has a very large vocabulary for someone of his age, so this appealed to him. I can’t recall exactly what we said, but it was something along the lines of “When people want to make a baby, a man puts his penis into a womans vagina and releases sperm from his penis inside the woman which then fertilizes the egg. A baby is then able to grow inside the Mother’s tummy.”

He was totally not ready for that answer I guess, because he looked rather mortified, thought it was utterly disgusting that anyone would want thier genitals to meet, then changed the subject to Minecraft (the best thing ever when you’re 8, apparently).

Since then he’s asked a few more questions, like how gay couples are able to have babies. We’ve answered these honestly as well, speaking about IVF, donors, adoption, fostering etc. He gets very upset when speaking about Marriage equality because to him, if you love someone enough you should be able to get married regardless of gender.
Smart kid.

All in all the “birds and the bee’s” talk went over much easier than I had anticipated. Probably because there was not many questions he had, and nothing that particular triggered my dysphoria because I was speaking about it in a somewhat scientific manner.

We always remind K to come to us if he has any questions about sex, and not to me embaressed or ashamed because as parents, it’s our job to answer his questions to the best of our abilities.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Learning about male socialization at the same time as my Son….

I’ve been “transitioned” – that is, living as stealth except under certain circumstances since I was 18 years old. I’d just gotten out of high school and felt as though the end of that era would be the perfect opportunity to start new, without people knowing my history. As a result, I never really got the opportunity to learn how to socialize with men on a male level until I myself became a Father.

I’d had an easy time pre-puberty; I preferred to keep the company of boys over girls, played on a football team entirely consisting of boys minus myself, however those things seemed far less complicated upon reflection, and it all felt very distant from the awkward social crusades I’d been embarking on since I’d not only left my parent’s home to transition, but the state entirely.

I was lucky in that K was only 11 months old at this time, and children’s socialization is fairly neutral in terms of gender politics up until they reach school. Often even after that. How lovely.

What that meant was that I had approximately 5 years give or take in order to get this shit down so I could have some answers when asked in the future.

Various disasters and me being completely anti-social and awkward to begin with aside, I learnt how to be comfortable in situations that had previously made me uncomfortable. 

When K began school, he actually found it odd that some of his friends that were male expressed dislike that he chose to play with little girls occasionally. To K, these things were irrelevant; if you were into playing in the sandpit, you could damn well play with him.
We simply explained that kids can get a bit funny with girls vs. boys type things, and told him we were proud of him for standing up for his friends.

Fast forward a year or so (Grade 1), and K is exclusively playing with male friends except for rare occasions. He has two girlfriends (who are both aware of each other!) and he finds this quite acceptable but his mates think this is absurd. Why would you want to hang out with girls, let alone have a girlfriend?!

Year two came around and things got interesting. All of a sudden it was certainly not cool to have a girlfriend (he’d had one the entire year! haha) and girls who were simply play friends before became completely uninvolved from the very serious games of pokemon and spys in the yard. He came home one day, very upset because his girlfriend had dumped him without citing why and had that same day decided Henry would make a more suitable companion.

All I could think of was “You are 8. This isn’t supposed to happen for a long time jsdgajskdfga!”

I did the whole “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!” dealio, all while explaining that it took his Mum and I a lot of years to find each other, and that he will lose a lot more girlfriends in the future but I’ll be here to answer anything he needs and listen whenever he wants.

I explained that this is all part of growing up.  But sheesh kid, you’ve got soooo long to do that.

What I found confronting with all of this was that I didn’t feel remotely qualified to be having these little talks about the nuances of socialization in the school yard with my Son, simply because I didn’t have the history I should have.

Who am I to try and help you when I am learning too?

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Teaching “body positivity” to your child when you hate your own body.

This is just as difficult and contradictory as it sounds. Last year some time K came home from school and asked my Wife and I if he was “fat”. We were absolutely gobsmacked, assured him he was not because he eats a well balanced diet and is an active child. Then we asked him to detail why he thought he was fat.

Turns out even seven year old boys are subjected to notions of “proper” body image at school. His friends were talking about “fat people” and one little girl mentioned he had a “big belly” (he does not). I had to sit him down and explain that his body is beautiful and he needs to see it as such, because if he becomes to concerned with what others think of him he might begin to see himself as not being handsome, or not having an acceptable body.
I explained that even people who have larger bodies are still beautiful, and often there are reasons as to why someone may have a larger body than someone else such as illness, poor diet, lack of excercise or genetics.

I also explained that the reason why his Mother and I make his lunches and dinners (he does breakfast himself) is because we always want to make sure he is eating a well-balanced, nutritious diet. I explained about how because he is such an active child, even though we let him indulge in sweets occasionally there is nothing wrong with that in moderation.

My Wife was actually beside herself at all of this, because she is somewhat of a “larger” woman in terms of societal standards. She was stressed that notions of what is deemed to be the perfect body were already prevelant in the playground at his age. I was shocked myself.

What I found difficult as a trans man parent was the fact that I had to sit there and outline ways in which to look after your own positive body image, all the while not employing any of them myself. I suppose the old “do as I say, not as I do” line could apply here, however that’s not really the way I parent. I like to take an active demonstratable role – and here I simply cannot.

For various reasons mostly relating to transsexuality, I do not like my own body. I have had issues with eating disorders, obsessive gym regimes and denying myself food. Not to mention the dysphoria which is an ongoing, painful additive to my daily life – dysphoria in itself screams “your body is not right, nor will it ever be”.

It’s difficult to feel like a hypocrite when trying to educate, but I realise I had to put my own emotions to the side in order to properly tackle the issue. I check in on K regularly in anecdotal ways to see if his body image is still positive, and I’ve had nothing but good responses ever since our talk.

Parenting is difficult.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Being a father is wonderful, but there has been some things along the way which I haven’t been able to deal with very well. I figured I might talk about a few of those things.

I have a little boy, and when he was toilet training he first sat down to avoid accidents. Soon he was completely toilet-confidant and it was time to teach him how to aim properly while standing to pee. Bang, instant hatred for my own body (again).

Most other father’s in this situation would simply be able to lead by example. I didn’t want to use my stp in order to demonstrate how one aims and stands, as I tend to have a hard time pissing in front of anyone let alone a very curious little toddler.
I guess to K, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I talked him through it and he learnt without demonstration….

For me it was monumental. Catastrophic. I can’t accurately articulate the thoughts that were echoing through my mind for weeks after that happened, but it’s one of thousands of nuances that cisgendered men wouldn’t have to deal with.

K, my Wife and I go camping frequently. Whenever I need to piss, I make sure to go as far away from view as I can so K doesn’t see me. I have a good stp, but the color isn’t perfect and I don’t want to have to deal with explaining what it is or why I have to use it.

Now that I’ve written this, it doesn’t seem particularly helpful or whatever.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Yeah, so I’m actually pretty horrible at coming up with ideas for informative posts with regards to being a trans man father. It’s likely that until someone asks a question or I have an unusual moment of inspiration, this blog will mainly be reblogs + commentary.