Early thirties post-transition stealth Father and Husband
Whenever someone emails me or Kik’s me – I tend to give them a false name to call me by. Only one person on tumblr that doesn’t know me IRL knows my actual first name.
All of the others… I’m just trying to remember which name i used!
Often I’ll be all “Hello (insert name here), you can call me XYZ.”
So yeah. Apologies if I don’t remember the name I gave you.
Edit:
I’m pretty sure a lot of people know me as Mike Kaiden, so call me that.
(cont…) I mean, I honestly can’t see myself living the rest of my life as a woman. Not because of gender roles or how I dress, but because I literally feel like I should’ve been born male. I should have a flat chest and a penis. As a future parent, I see myself as father, not a mother. He and him. But as I said earlier, I have just been have a lot bouts of nervousness and fears. Even anxiety. I don’t know what to do. I am at a loss here. Are these fears also fear of regret?
———
I commend you for your thoroughness regarding therapy and the like, well done. I can’t speak for everyone but from my experience it is certainly “normal” to doubt yourself/transition. I would be more concerned if you had no doubts, to be blatant.
Transitioning is an exceptionally large process to undergo, and should not be taken lightly – you seem to have a good grasp of this and that’s great.
Fear of the unknown is one thing humans are fantastic at. It’s also a really valid fear – it’s scary not knowing what to expect/what will eventuate from decisions you make.
You mentioned you can’t see yourself as a Woman, and wish to be a Father. These are all things you need to reflect upon when feeling doubtful.
But you also need to remember that self doubt in small amounts is healthy, it’s a critical way of looking at things and serves a purpose.
Unfortunately I did not.
I medically transitioned when I was legally able to, at 18 years old – as my parents were not willing to be supportive with regards to the medical side of things.
I have always had a short stature, especially when comparing my height to the rest of my family – but unfortunately I had finished all the growing I was able to do prior to the introduction of T.
Growth plates are fickle things; if you begin medical transition early enough (or before your growth plates fuse) you may be able to benefit from some height growth, alongside other body parts.
I think perhaps my feet grew half a size, but I can’t be exactly sure because I never really bothered to find out my actual foot size to begin with. Other people I have know that are on T have reported an increase in foot size, however – so it’s not totally impossible.
As far as hand size goes; same deal, I didn’t experience any change. I am relatively happy with the overall size of my hands, just wish my fingers weren’t to thin, long and bony – purchasing a wedding band was an absolute nightmare. I had to get a men’s ring sized down to a very small size.
If anyone else has any experiences, feel free to chip in?
I noticed I was able to concentrate more, but I feel that was mainly due to the fact that my internal turmoil regarding my transsexuality was subdued once I got the transition ball rolling, so to speak.
I have not noticed any difference in my marks with High School vs. University – if anything my ability to write essays has improved, as have other academic qualities. I don’t see this as a product of testosterone, more age and maturity.
Personally, Testosterone did not affect my body type. I’m a mesomorph and was also before I began testosterone, just a little less able to build muscle. In the first few years of T, I put on a bit of mass – kind of like “puppy fat”, it was mainly water retention which my body sorted out on it’s own.
Honestly, if you’re very worried about this you should speak to a Doctor about possible side effects of Testosterone; it’s not a given that you will experience T the same as another person – it’s all down to genetics.
Perhaps you need to really question why it is that you want Testosterone – you mentioned you were “considering going ftm” – this is not a decision, really. It’s something I felt I had to do in order to survive.
If you were on a deserted island for the rest of your life with no one else; would you still transition?
Can you see yourself as “female” for the rest of your life, even if it’s uncomfortable?
That’s quite a lot to remember. I’ve been on T for approximately 7 (or 8? ffs, I should check, I have it written down somewhere) years.
Mentally I am more confidant, even though my self-esteem is still dismal; it’s improved exponetially. I noticed my anger changed, when I get angry now it feels much more intense than previously, however I get over things a lot faster.
Emotionally I would say a fair bit has changed, crying being the most prominent example. Pre T I would burst into tears in difficult/sad/emotional situations, often unable to control it. It was cathartic to have access to the ability to cry. I don’t have that anymore, and it’s often physically painful. I want to be able to cry, but I’m lucky if I get a single salty tear.
The other week, I blubbered like a baby – the first time in many years. It was most certainly needed.
I’m not even sure if this answered your question adequately enough, however it was a little vauge.
What do you mean by emotional/mental changes, so to speak?
It’s also a long time since I’ve experienced many non-physical aspects of transition; I often forget what has changed.
Hi there,
Adopting is a great option. I likely would have gone down that route had I not been in my current situation.
As far as coming out to my Son, I’ve detailed that story here:
LINK. I also have a FAQ tag, which needs to be updated a little but still has some information. Also a FTMFatherhood tag if you’re interested.
And I’m still working through the dysphoria, but thank you for your kind words.
Ugh, I’m not sure if I’ll leave the previous post up for very long.
It’s giving me anxiety and making me paranoid.
Edit:
I’ve taken down the comparison photos from pre and post Bio-Oil application due to me feeling uncomfortable.
I am more than willing to share the photograph on a person-to-person basis through private asks, so if you feel inclined do not hesitate to contact me and request the image. Apologies.
Hey, I’d be fine with doing this – the only thing is it may take me a few days or so due to time constraints.
I’ve not heard that Vitamin E was bad for scar care, but I never really did that much research and used Bio-Oil as it was reccomended by my surgeon.
I’ll get to taking photos and locating old ones (this will take the most time) ASAP.
transmandad 