Tag: tmd

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

I got to visit K and my Wife for four days recently…

The little town is gorgeous, the people not so much but vast wilderness and wildlife outnumber humans drastically so it’s hardly noticeable.

I spent an entire day maintaining the land for my Wife; she couldn’t get the mower to start (and is usually very good at it) so I figured the engine may have seized with lack of use – it belonged to my father and he hadn’t used it for months. Land maintenance was getting pretty pertinent as the back paddock had stinging nettles around chest height, growing out of control. My Wife had attempted to kill it all off using roundup (drastic for us, but K and her were suffering from the stings) to no avail.

I mowed the entire block, front and back – even edged the lawns. Slashed the back paddock of doom without a single nettle sting – much to my amazement. Turns out the several layers of work gear, boots, gloves and a hat were a good idea.

We spent days feeding ducks, exploring the river banks, throwing rocks into the river with K.

When walking along the path next to the river with my Wife, K and my Nephew – K and my Nephew ran quite a way ahead of us. I looked slightly concerned I guess, and turned to my Wife about to ask if I should yell for them to wait up, when she smiled and explained not to worry – the path is safe, the town small and everyone knows each other. I am inherently and stupidly overprotective by nature, but K has been overwhelmed with a sense of independents and freedom since moving there. It was so refreshing to see, and it made me reflect upon my own parental practices.

At night my Wife and I played board games and chatted over drinks and cheese platters. I’d wake up with her head on my chest.

I read K bedtime stories, even got to attend a Friday morning school assembly. We went out for dinner with the family that resides in town.

Mostly, it was just a bitter reminder of all that I am missing whilst studying. I hadn’t anticipated the complete and utter empty feeling I would have after I returned from my little visit. I fell into the rhythm of life there far too easily, instantly comfortable from the moment I arrived… it was hard to come back.

By gosh, K had grown at least a bazillion inches since I last saw him. Or two, perhaps.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

I’m sorry I haven’t been as active on here as I could have been of late…

(TL;DR)

Writing here reminds me just how much I miss my Wife and K.
It seems to only be getting more difficult as the days pass, missing my family.
It’s mere days until K’s 9th Birthday, and although my Wife and I picked out and purchased gifts a while back (we love to be organized), I wanted to get a little extra something to send from me.
I got him a massive poster from one of his favorite video games; his new room is the largest in the house and his three framed Star Wars prints apparently felt inconspicuous.

Anyway, I posted that off to him yesterday. When I arrived home from University I saw a letter had arrived and I knew right away from the handwriting that it was from my Wife.

I swore, knowing this would likely make me melancholy at best and sat down to read it.
She wrote amazingly beautiful and supportive things, sprayed her perfume on the card (I…no words. I died) and even put on lipstick and kissed the paper….this from a Woman who usually detests makeup.
I inhaled her perfume deeply, became suddenly frightened that the scent would leave the paper and quickly slid the whole thing back into the envelope.

I had a difficult time after that…I went through a range of emotions which ultimately culminated in anger – there was nothing I could do to help K, who’s been having some trouble settling in at school, my Wife – who is feeling overwhelmed with unpacking an entire house, looking after K by herself and starting a new career to boot.
I feel like a failure for my absence. I’m three weeks deep into this semester and I am trying with all my might to get shit done.

I’ve knocked off a few assignments, which is far more organized than the entirety of people I attend classes with.

Anyway, as a result of the letter and my anger I decided to do what any rational human being would do under similar circumstances; get drunk. I have the day off Uni today and had planned out obligations (assignments and homework) so that I could easily complete them later in the day.
So, intoxicated I got. And it was a welcome distraction, if only for a few hours until I blearily stumbled into my bed.

I woke early, at 7am and felt a little sleep-deprived but not entirely out of sorts, so I decided to begin my day then. I had an appointment at 1pm and took my early start as an opportunity to do the assignments and homework I had on my “to do” list for the day.

I also scrubbed the ever-loving-shit out of the kitchen in it’s entirety, and now I’m taking a break before getting my teeth stuck into another assignment.

I feel like I’m accomplishing a lot, but failing at what’s most important; being a Father and Husband.

I ache for them.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Alright, I’ve settled into my new environment. Lots of Uni assessments to do, but in general I should be back to my regularly scheduled updates.

Also, I’m lonely and bored – ask me shit.

FTM Social Support Group.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

So yesterday I went to a local support group for older trans men.

I was really fucking nervous, changed like five times and put too much cologne on. Didn’t cut my head when shaving though, so bonus.

My friend who runs it came and picked me up, he’s in his mid 60’s and only transitioned about 4 years ago. Good dude, heaps odd though because he’s like a teenage boy in the body of an old man with a beard. hah.

Arrived and no one else was there, so my friend W who runs the group shouted me a beer and we grabbed a table away from the one or two other patrons in the bar. Within minutes two other guys arrived; J1 and J2. They were much older than me, although they didn’t look it because neither had begun T yet. After another short while a final guy came, V. He was maybe 5 years older than myself and beaming because he’d just gone on a first date. We all playfully ribbed him about it and ordered more beers.

There wasn’t much trans talk at all, which was awesome. We mentioned the one psych in our town who is able to help guys get their T letters, and how horrible he is with confidentiality, but that we’ve all seen him out of necessity. I spoke a bit about my balding and how long it took to get as bald as I am now. There was also some talk about underpants which are very cheap and also happen to have an inbuilt packer pouch.

Other than that it was; Relationships, Girlfriends/Wives, Football, Work, Me Moving.

It was really validating for me to be around a bunch of blokes that were just…blokes. Just happened to be trans too. And what’s more is that there’s a few of the older dudes who just can’t medically transition due to  medical issues, work issues, family issues etc. The only time they get to be called their real names and “he” is in this fortnightly group. I could see the appreciation on some of the guy’s faces when we referred to each other. Something so simple can be someone’s life line.

All in all, 10/10 would recommend. Will go again.