Tag: me

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

The other night I worked out how much money I’d need to get to serbia and have metoidioplasty, and it’s drastically less than I’d anticipated. Granted, still somewhere around the 20K mark including flights and accomodation for both my Wife and I for a good length of time, but it also includes the cost of surgery etc (most likely outdated costs, though). This has made it much more probable that I will get lower surgery in my lifetime, even if it’s about 5 years away.

I’m keen on buying a house first so our family can have security, but my Wife is ambivalent about which is more important. I personally would hate myself even more if I were to put my own surgery ahead of my family’s housing security and future.

None-the-less, it’s somewhat reassuring that it won’t cost the $50k I had originally estimated (fuck knows where I got that figure from). It’s also translated into dysphoric nightmares, which is fucked because sleeping is really the only break I generally get from dysphoria.

I can’t stop thinking about it. My Wife is utterly terrified of the procedure, because it’s so invasive and large and has the potential to have serious complications.

My rationale is; nothing can be worse than what I have in my pants right now.

often, cisgender people may say “I would just live as a girl/boy if I was born to be.” or say “I would be happy if I was physically pretty/handsome as the sex I was born with,” what do you think of it? I sometimes think maybe if I had a stereotypically good social life, physically beautiful in social norms, I would have been fine being a girl. Have you ever felt that way in your transition? Have you ever regretted your medical transition economy-wise and time/effort-wise?

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

I have not regretted transitioning at any stage. For me it was clear cut: either I took this scary step of changing my life, or I ended my own life. It was literally what it came down to.

I could not see myself living as a woman, growing old as a woman. I couldn’t even see my own reflection in the mirror as a woman. 

If I could have been happy living in the body I was born with I would have done it in a split second. I wish I was. I wish I wasn’t born this way, because it’s not easy. It never goes away. The dysphoria is always there, hacking away at me – despite my physicality now reflecting what it’s supposed to for the most part.

I don’t regret the amount of money I have spent on my transition, I just wish I didn’t have to spend it on fixing my body. I wish it could have been better spent by purchasing a house, opening a savings account for my son. So many other ways I could have spent, and be spending, the money it takes to transition.

Regret? not for a single second. I would be dead if I didn’t transition.