I have a difficult personal situation in which my closest friend in town, for reasons knows my history.
She’s chill and open minded, so it never really bothered me much.
But it seems it really bothers her.
Every single time she has a few drinks with us (most recently when K was away) she talks about how she doesn’t like x, y or z about my transition. I brush it off as it doesn’t come up when she’s sober, but last weekend she crossed a line and I can’t get over it.
I was showing her a book K made for me for Father’s Day this year – he’d taken photos of him and I over the years and written alongside them. It’s gorgeous.
She came upon a photo of K and I when we literally first met each other and became uncomfortable. Now, I was 6 months on T or so at this point. Looked totally male, just super young – I was 18! She closed the book and told me she didn’t want to see anymore, and I was so confused. This wasn’t about me, it was about K’s beautiful gift.
She went on to say how she feels uncomfortable because she finds me attractive pre transition and doesn’t now. Aside from the fact that I don’t pursue sexual relationships with my friends – this hit me like a brick.
What the fuck do I care if you find me attractive now or not? What does that have to do with my very personal transition experience? Why does she think her awkward feelings about my transition are in any way something I might want to hear about, ever?
I feel disgusted when she comes around, and avoid her. She takes things super personally so I can’t have an adult conversation, or even just tell her that I’m sorry but her feelings about MY transition are not something that I have to deal with.
I think she views my transition not as something that was needed for me to continue living, but as a convenience or preference in my presentation.
It makes me furious.
I am feeling stifled here, intermittently.
I yearn to have some interactions with other trans people.
But then I remember previous groups and social events and wonder if I actually do want that interaction….
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I can’t believe I’ve been searching for the ‘right’ prosthetic for 10 years to no avail.
I often wonder if I should look into making myself what I desire. But I’m far too lazy for that, ha.
I am so very sorry to hear this is happening for you and your Wife. I sincerely do not know what I would do in your situation.
We are ‘lucky’ in the fact that K’s biological Father has, despite us giving him every invitation, never expressed any desire to visit K let alone have custody of him. He left the scene when K was 2 weeks old, and has been given ample opportunity every year to have visitation, or simply hang out with us present. He has only ever contacted us to find out how he could stop paying child support for a “child I never see anyway”.
It also is aided by the fact that even with two amicable parties, it costs a significant amount to go through the court system and arrange these things here – and K’s biological Father has been unemployed for the duration of K’s life thus far so he could not afford to go down this route.
My advice to you is although this is painful, do not negate the importance of you in your Son’s life. Despite the reality of you not being his “biological” Father, it seems as though you have been present for a good portion of his life, if not moreso than his bio Father. This should all be taken into consideration by the courts during the process.
When it comes to packers and STP’s my recommendations for people would depend on a few factors. The questions that come to mind are usually: how realistic do you want it to be, how realistic do you want it to feel, what is your price range, what kind of bulge are you looking for, what sort of harness would you want, do you even want to have a harness, what kind of firmness are you looking for, does the STP need to be inside of a packer, and so on so forth. If a person needs help finding a specific product then I’d be glad to assist them, I’d just need those kinds of questions answered. For the most part I’ve read enough reviews on almost all of the products to see what issues people have with them as well and can take that into account when recommending products.
For general advice I can copy/paste some products from a list I made for ftmsextalk and you can browse through those to see if there’s anything you like in terms of the aesthetic and price of it. Establish a budget for yourself, make a list of desirable qualities (based on the questions above), make a list of things you’re willing to compromise on, and then explore these options:
Each device comes with it’s own unique set of advantages and disadvantages, therefore no product is inherently greater than another. They each have their place in this world and they are suited for different people. After you review these products to decide what you like based on appearance and price, I’d recommend looking up several (10+) reviews to see what others have to say. See what issues they have with it and if that’s something you would feel comfortable with. An important question to consider when looking at a product is how it looks when packing, as one could seem fine in a picture and end up very difficult to pack with (such as the FreeToM), so look for pictures of people packing with it as well. This could take a few hours, but you’re putting in a lot of work to find a product that will hopefully be perfect and make your life so much better. It’s really worth the work.
And a word of warning – “The Ultimate Prosthetic” is a site you might come across when looking for packers. This is a well known scam and many people have put hundreds of dollars into it and have never received their products. Steer clear of this and stay safe. This is why looking for multiple product reviews is so important.
Apologies (again) for the absence. Work is seriously kicking my ass, and I’ve also acquired a motorcycle so all my free time is split between riding and being with family.
Little K is not so little anymore – we moved closer to his school and he now rides his bike to and from off his own accord. His friend lives about a block away, so he’s been having a lot of fun and gaining independence. I try not to be a helicopter parent, but coming from a city it’s difficult to let go of preconceived notions of “danger”.
So, life is mainly work, chores, errands and family time with a little riding thrown in for headspace.
If you’re curious about something, send a message and I’ll answer as soon as possible.
Thanks for hanging in there everyone. Hopefully I’ll have a colleague soon enough so I won’t have to bust ass at work so much.
transmandad 