Support Groups and conflict within myself.

So, in the past I’ve attended several support groups for men who happen to have transsexuality. They’ve for the most part been difficult to navigate due to the vast differences between myself and a lot of other men in those groups, but I have none-the-less actually found them valuable.

It aided me in being able to vent frustrations to other men who understand, allowed me anonymity due to strict confidentiality guidelines and I was even able to talk about the level of self-hatred my transsexuality causes without judgement. All of the groups soon dissipated after a while.

At the very least, I was able to understand that I am not like the vast majority of men who attend groups like this. I am not “out” and do not wish to be, I am not in the early stages of transition, I am not proud of my condition. I was able to express all of this without being confronted, sneered at or told that I “should embrace who I am” and I really appreciated that.

There’s talk amoungst a service I volunteer for regarding the creation of two related yet different groups for men who suffer with transsexualism. One being for the vastly increasing “younger” crowd who may or may not be trans, but feel like the need a space to speak about gender. Some may be trans, some may not be.
The other group is for much older men, much older than myself – who for whatever reason have not until much later in thier lives found out transition was possible. It’s heartbreaking to see how many older men around my area just resigned themselves to being “butch lesbians” because they thought that was all they could do. These men are in thier late 40’s all the way up to late 70’s, and I couldn’t imagine begging my transition so late.
But they do, because they have to. Because even if it’s one or two years living in a body that doesn’t constantly betray them, it’s better than nothing.

I will admit I have no idea what the point of this rant was, but I feel very conflicted with regards to groups like this.

On one hand, I have a strong desire to attend one or two meetings so I can explode my dissatisfaction amoungs men who have similar feelings. On the other hand I absolutely have no desire whatsoever to be associated with the trans label, or trans anything.

I feel contradictory, so I’m calling myself out.