Tag: ftm parent

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

What a whirlwind this week has been…

I’ve made great strides in assignments thus far; considering it’s only the second week of semester, I’ve already knocked off two assignments as well as keeping up with weekly readings and other minor homework submissions.

I’m using obligations as a means for distraction.

K is finding it very difficult without me, complaining constantly to his mother about how I apparently do things “better” such as help him dry his hair, making lunches and whatnot. We both knew this would happen, in the past when my Wife had to go away due to work commitments all I would hear is how great Mum was, and how much better Mum was at x, y or z.

He’s also having difficulty settling in at school due to different social expectations. Apparently if he’s seen playing with the girls at school he gets teased. This baffled him, because he’s not really aware of gender dichotomy’s or expectations in that regard. He thinks girls are pretty neat friends.

I sent both K and my Wife a letter each last week, and they both were very emotional when they received them. It probably didn’t help that I put some of my cologne on my Wife’s letter…

I feel lost without them both, but am maintaining a really strict work discipline and it’s making time pass a little easier.

Living in a share house with a bunch of blokes is very interesting, entertaining and affirming. I’m not used to socializing as much as I have been, but I’ve caught myself enjoying it every now and then.

I’m alone today, and reveling in the delight of being able to collect my thoughts properly for the first time since my Wife and K left over a week ago.
It’s only the second weekend without them.

Thank fuck for Skype.

While K’s Away.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

It’s only been a few days since K left for his Grandmother’s, but within five hours my Wife and I felt the lack of his presence.

We’ve had to remember what it is couples do when they don’t have children. Last night we went out to the pub to meet up with some friends, and had a quick dinner.

We are so much more playful with each other right now. It’s so lovely and dynamic, and we are bouncing off of one another with chemistry. It makes me reflect upon when we first met eight years ago.

Lately it’s been showers together, giggling within seconds of waking up, falling asleep intertwined, music up as loud as we like, candles and incense and impromptu dinner outings.

We skype K each night, and text him, call him. He’s having an absolute blast; Hip Hop Dance classes, riding motorized buggys around his Grandmother’s 6 acre property, feeding ducks, playing with his cousins.

So many times I’ve been sleeping in (oh.my.word. I forgot what that felt like, you all fucking enjoy that you hear! haha) and woke up in a panic wondering where K is, why he hasn’t woken us, if I’ve made his breakfast or if We’re late for school. It’s just really fucking odd not having him around, and we miss him very much.

If you know me IRL, and don’t particularly want to read about my sex life, then don’t click this read more.

My Wife and I have made an agreement; after one of her colleauges remarked at how doing this improved her life greatly.

One month; sex every single day no matter how tired or busy we are.

That began last night – and if it’s anything to go by, this will be very fun. Of course when K returns we will need to be a little more covert. Hah.

But yes, we are both committed to the cause.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now, and one day we’ll want to have children and he’s ftm. This is a weird scienceyish question I guess? Generally, when cis men have kids, their testosterone levels drop significantly. How do you think this effects transmen as fathers?

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

This is something I am certainly not qualified to answer, despite having some university Biology under my belt.

I feel as though if your boyfriend has had a hysto, and is taking testosterone – there will be nothing to “drop” his testosterone levels (or raise his estrogen). If he still has his reproductive organs, perhaps they may infer an undue amount of estrogen during/after pregancy, but that’s just a haphazard guess.

My best advice would be to see a fertility specialist. Good luck!

If this is uncomfortable or you don’t want to answer that’s fine but I was wondering, did you carry your child or did you donate eggs or did you do the thing where they change the eggs into sperm or what? sorry, just trying to understand my furture options if i ever want to have kids.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

This isn’t uncomfortable at all.

K is not my biological child, he is my Wife’s biological child that she had 11 months before we met. K’s maternal “dad” left shortly after K was born, he was an unplanned pregnancy and my Wife did not feel abortion was an option she wanted to take.

Turns out, K had a Father all along. When we met, I wasn’t called Dad straight away (obviously). Soon it became very clear that I wasn’t going anywhere at all – and my Wife asked me if I wanted to be K’s Father. The rest, as they say, is history.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

The Birds and the Bees Talk.

Read more under cut.

K has always been a curious fellow, so when he came home and asked if “The word Sex meant hello?” as another student told him it did, I had to set him straight. I couldn’t have him waving hello to people shouting out “Sex!” thinking that’s what it meant.

My Wife and I had already explained the basics to him previously, he knew he was in his mother’s tummy until he was ready to be born, he also knew that he came out her vagina. He found this funny and gross.

So my Wife and I sat him down this one day and explained exactly how a baby is made, and what the word sex meant. We did it in a somewhat scientific manner – K is obsessed with documentaries and has a very large vocabulary for someone of his age, so this appealed to him. I can’t recall exactly what we said, but it was something along the lines of “When people want to make a baby, a man puts his penis into a womans vagina and releases sperm from his penis inside the woman which then fertilizes the egg. A baby is then able to grow inside the Mother’s tummy.”

He was totally not ready for that answer I guess, because he looked rather mortified, thought it was utterly disgusting that anyone would want thier genitals to meet, then changed the subject to Minecraft (the best thing ever when you’re 8, apparently).

Since then he’s asked a few more questions, like how gay couples are able to have babies. We’ve answered these honestly as well, speaking about IVF, donors, adoption, fostering etc. He gets very upset when speaking about Marriage equality because to him, if you love someone enough you should be able to get married regardless of gender.
Smart kid.

All in all the “birds and the bee’s” talk went over much easier than I had anticipated. Probably because there was not many questions he had, and nothing that particular triggered my dysphoria because I was speaking about it in a somewhat scientific manner.

We always remind K to come to us if he has any questions about sex, and not to me embaressed or ashamed because as parents, it’s our job to answer his questions to the best of our abilities.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Having to deal with all the “boy issues” because you’re the man of the family…

Read under cut thing.

In our family, gender roles aren’t really a thing. We just sort of fall into them – meaning my Wife is the better cook out of the two of us, so she generally does most of the cooking. I am better at fixing shit, so I generally do those things. If we are travelling somewhere as a family, my Wife will drive as she really enjoys it, whereas I see driving as a bit of a chore.
Despite this, we neatly fall into some categories of gender roles – most specifically the notion that I am the man of the house, therefore I must deal with the man things such as penis questions from K, all manner of male social shit, ridding the house of scary insects, checking outside when a noise is heard, mowing the lawn etc. This has mainly been due to my Wife just not being able to cope with these things on her own, even though she’s more than capable – she prefers if I tend to these things. 

This is all well and good, I don’t mind in the slightest.

Except for the part where it means I have to answer questions about penises, girls and general little boy inquiries.

As K has grown, he’s become more aware of his own body. As is normal. There’s been a plethora of penis related questions, and I’ve been able to answer them all accurately as they’ve popped up. That doesn’t do much to relieve the intense stress and dysphoria that also rears it’s ugly head alongside these little queries.

I feel, again, as though I am not one to be able to answer these questions accurately simply due to my history. As a direct result I’ve had to actually “step-down” in that particular role as “sole-penis-question-adviser” and relinquished part of that role to my Wife for when I don’t feel comfortable/able to answer myself.

I explained to my Wife why it made me uncomfortable; it’s a solid reminder that I myself never got to ask the same questions to my Father. That I didn’t grow up with the correct anatomy or socialization. And then it compounds in my head to things such as “I’m not an okay Father because of my history” – cue spiraling self-accusations.  My Wife, of course, was mortified that I’d taken this long to speak to her about something that had made me so uncomfortable. She apologized for flippant remarks such as “Well I don’t have a penis, so how would I know?! Better ask your Father…” – because she forgets that I’m trans. 

That’s really awesome, I wish more than anything I could forget too.

~ transmandad ~ Leave a comment

Learning about male socialization at the same time as my Son….

I’ve been “transitioned” – that is, living as stealth except under certain circumstances since I was 18 years old. I’d just gotten out of high school and felt as though the end of that era would be the perfect opportunity to start new, without people knowing my history. As a result, I never really got the opportunity to learn how to socialize with men on a male level until I myself became a Father.

I’d had an easy time pre-puberty; I preferred to keep the company of boys over girls, played on a football team entirely consisting of boys minus myself, however those things seemed far less complicated upon reflection, and it all felt very distant from the awkward social crusades I’d been embarking on since I’d not only left my parent’s home to transition, but the state entirely.

I was lucky in that K was only 11 months old at this time, and children’s socialization is fairly neutral in terms of gender politics up until they reach school. Often even after that. How lovely.

What that meant was that I had approximately 5 years give or take in order to get this shit down so I could have some answers when asked in the future.

Various disasters and me being completely anti-social and awkward to begin with aside, I learnt how to be comfortable in situations that had previously made me uncomfortable. 

When K began school, he actually found it odd that some of his friends that were male expressed dislike that he chose to play with little girls occasionally. To K, these things were irrelevant; if you were into playing in the sandpit, you could damn well play with him.
We simply explained that kids can get a bit funny with girls vs. boys type things, and told him we were proud of him for standing up for his friends.

Fast forward a year or so (Grade 1), and K is exclusively playing with male friends except for rare occasions. He has two girlfriends (who are both aware of each other!) and he finds this quite acceptable but his mates think this is absurd. Why would you want to hang out with girls, let alone have a girlfriend?!

Year two came around and things got interesting. All of a sudden it was certainly not cool to have a girlfriend (he’d had one the entire year! haha) and girls who were simply play friends before became completely uninvolved from the very serious games of pokemon and spys in the yard. He came home one day, very upset because his girlfriend had dumped him without citing why and had that same day decided Henry would make a more suitable companion.

All I could think of was “You are 8. This isn’t supposed to happen for a long time jsdgajskdfga!”

I did the whole “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!” dealio, all while explaining that it took his Mum and I a lot of years to find each other, and that he will lose a lot more girlfriends in the future but I’ll be here to answer anything he needs and listen whenever he wants.

I explained that this is all part of growing up.  But sheesh kid, you’ve got soooo long to do that.

What I found confronting with all of this was that I didn’t feel remotely qualified to be having these little talks about the nuances of socialization in the school yard with my Son, simply because I didn’t have the history I should have.

Who am I to try and help you when I am learning too?