Thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated.
I figure if I can get one dude to see that the future doesn’t have to be so bleak, then all of this over-sharing is worth it!
Again, thank you.
Tag: f2m
Hi, I am a transsexual male and I have been going to therapy for the past few months now. Hopefully within the next few months, I will be able to start testosterone. However, while I am happy that I get to see myself grow into the man that I should have been, there are been bouts of nervousness and doubt that I have been dealing with. I am not sure if it’s normal or not. Most of my nervousness and doubt is the fear of my future. Fear of the unknown. Are these fears and doubts normal? (cont…)
(cont…) I mean, I honestly can’t see myself living the rest of my life as a woman. Not because of gender roles or how I dress, but because I literally feel like I should’ve been born male. I should have a flat chest and a penis. As a future parent, I see myself as father, not a mother. He and him. But as I said earlier, I have just been have a lot bouts of nervousness and fears. Even anxiety. I don’t know what to do. I am at a loss here. Are these fears also fear of regret?
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I commend you for your thoroughness regarding therapy and the like, well done. I can’t speak for everyone but from my experience it is certainly “normal” to doubt yourself/transition. I would be more concerned if you had no doubts, to be blatant.
Transitioning is an exceptionally large process to undergo, and should not be taken lightly – you seem to have a good grasp of this and that’s great.
Fear of the unknown is one thing humans are fantastic at. It’s also a really valid fear – it’s scary not knowing what to expect/what will eventuate from decisions you make.
You mentioned you can’t see yourself as a Woman, and wish to be a Father. These are all things you need to reflect upon when feeling doubtful.
But you also need to remember that self doubt in small amounts is healthy, it’s a critical way of looking at things and serves a purpose.
Did you grow taller when you transitioned? Did your hands and feet get any bigger either? Just something I’ve always been curious about.
Unfortunately I did not.
I medically transitioned when I was legally able to, at 18 years old – as my parents were not willing to be supportive with regards to the medical side of things.
I have always had a short stature, especially when comparing my height to the rest of my family – but unfortunately I had finished all the growing I was able to do prior to the introduction of T.
Growth plates are fickle things; if you begin medical transition early enough (or before your growth plates fuse) you may be able to benefit from some height growth, alongside other body parts.
I think perhaps my feet grew half a size, but I can’t be exactly sure because I never really bothered to find out my actual foot size to begin with. Other people I have know that are on T have reported an increase in foot size, however – so it’s not totally impossible.
As far as hand size goes; same deal, I didn’t experience any change. I am relatively happy with the overall size of my hands, just wish my fingers weren’t to thin, long and bony – purchasing a wedding band was an absolute nightmare. I had to get a men’s ring sized down to a very small size.
If anyone else has any experiences, feel free to chip in?
Different anon, but still. Did you notice any changes in ability to learn or memorize things? Or ability to concentrate more or something?
I noticed I was able to concentrate more, but I feel that was mainly due to the fact that my internal turmoil regarding my transsexuality was subdued once I got the transition ball rolling, so to speak.
I have not noticed any difference in my marks with High School vs. University – if anything my ability to write essays has improved, as have other academic qualities. I don’t see this as a product of testosterone, more age and maturity.
how does T affects your body type? I’m an ectomorph, and I’ve been considering into going ftm for a long time, and I’m curious if T would make me very muscular, because I’m not really willing to get rid of my natural skinny body. (sorry if this sound really stupid)
Personally, Testosterone did not affect my body type. I’m a mesomorph and was also before I began testosterone, just a little less able to build muscle. In the first few years of T, I put on a bit of mass – kind of like “puppy fat”, it was mainly water retention which my body sorted out on it’s own.
Honestly, if you’re very worried about this you should speak to a Doctor about possible side effects of Testosterone; it’s not a given that you will experience T the same as another person – it’s all down to genetics.
Perhaps you need to really question why it is that you want Testosterone – you mentioned you were “considering going ftm” – this is not a decision, really. It’s something I felt I had to do in order to survive.
If you were on a deserted island for the rest of your life with no one else; would you still transition?
Can you see yourself as “female” for the rest of your life, even if it’s uncomfortable?
Changes mentally and emotionally since T?
That’s quite a lot to remember. I’ve been on T for approximately 7 (or 8? ffs, I should check, I have it written down somewhere) years.
Mentally I am more confidant, even though my self-esteem is still dismal; it’s improved exponetially. I noticed my anger changed, when I get angry now it feels much more intense than previously, however I get over things a lot faster.
Emotionally I would say a fair bit has changed, crying being the most prominent example. Pre T I would burst into tears in difficult/sad/emotional situations, often unable to control it. It was cathartic to have access to the ability to cry. I don’t have that anymore, and it’s often physically painful. I want to be able to cry, but I’m lucky if I get a single salty tear.
The other week, I blubbered like a baby – the first time in many years. It was most certainly needed.
I’m not even sure if this answered your question adequately enough, however it was a little vauge.
What do you mean by emotional/mental changes, so to speak?
It’s also a long time since I’ve experienced many non-physical aspects of transition; I often forget what has changed.
Kids and Triggering Medical Issues.
So, my Son is uncircumcised – this has been causing a few issues of late…
We took K for a general health check-up yesterday; there’s a few things that have been out of sorts including his legs being sore when playing basketball or excercising, and the fact that his foreskin still isn’t able to retract much, if at all.
I knew this would be slightly triggering, but I didn’t understand just how severely it would affect me.
Our family Doctor is fantastic, especially with children, and put K’s mind at ease about speaking to him regarding his penis. He made sure K felt comfortable with the examination, and gave him the utmost respect and privacy which was very appreciated. He prescribed some steroid cream to hopefully aid in thinning out his foreskin so it can be retracted over time, and gave K the direct instructions on how to apply it properly. K thought this was absolutely disgusting and gross, but understood that it was better than a surgical alternative.
Our Dr asked my Wife if it was okay if he could show K a photograph in a medical book of an uncircumcised penis with the foreskin retracted fully, so he understood what he was aiming for. My Wife was more than happy to let him see this, as I can’t provide it. The Doctor had difficulty locating a photograph that wasn’t an erect penis, and discussed this with my Wife. She was not concerned if he saw a photograph of an erect penis, due to the nature of the photograph itself (very medicalised) and the situation at hand. K was absolutely disgusted with the photo and thought it was pretty funny!
It was then that I realised he probably had never seen an adult male’s penis before, and that he didn’t realise my body was different from his. Dysphoria central.
Fast forward to when we arrived home and K had to apply the cream. I bowed out of this one due to me already having dysphoria around it, and let his Mum explain the application procedure one more time before she left him in his room with the door closed so he had privacy. K has obviously not begun his journey of physical discovery just yet, but I think having to apply cream to his penis twice daily will get the ball rolling, so to speak.
We explained about masturbation, and how that it’s perfectly normal etc.
So, the kid is doing well with his medicine and is now very comfortable speaking to us about his genitals, which is great. We explained that we are here to talk to, answer any questions etc.
Then, in the midst of discussing this I simply blurted out “Daddy doesn’t have a penis like yours, the testosterone makes a very small penis for me but I still have the parts that female’s are born with.”
He was shocked, and began asking questions which I didn’t have trouble answering. He used words I wouldn’t use to describe my own anatomy, but I understood he needed to use words that meant something to him.
I then also explained that I could not urinate while standing without using a device. I said “When you grow, your penis will grow. As it is now, your penis is already larger than mine – and it will continue to grow perhaps to the size of the penis you saw a photo of at the Doctor’s”
He was really surprised to find this information out! He was very respectful and understood the conversation completely. He apologized for having a larger penis than me, bless his little cotton socks, and I laughed and said “No worries mate!”. I needed to show him that I was okay with my genitals, even though I’m not. Not at all.
After K had gone to bed for the evening I retired to my bedroom and my Wife came in, realising that I had taken this very hard. She attempted to comfort me, but it’s very difficult to comfort someone when there isn’t really anything that can be done.
She listened whilst I blurted out a million different reasons why the situation upset me, including not being able to deal with “penis problems” like most other father’s can.
I am not sure why I am telling you this, but I felt I needed to write about it here. For those of you who perhaps know me IRL, please keep all of this confidential.
Would you mind uploading a picture of your chest from before and after you started using Bio-oil? I’ve been looking for some effective scar treatment since I had top surgery and even though lots of people have mentioned Bio-Oil I was dubious because it has vitamin E in (and I was strongly advised to avoid vitamin E by my surgeon). Don’t worry if not :)
Hey, I’d be fine with doing this – the only thing is it may take me a few days or so due to time constraints.
I’ve not heard that Vitamin E was bad for scar care, but I never really did that much research and used Bio-Oil as it was reccomended by my surgeon.
I’ll get to taking photos and locating old ones (this will take the most time) ASAP.
Scar Care Many Years Post-Op.
This is something I have wanted to address for a little while now, but not had the time to do so properly.
When I first had chest surgery I was reluctant to treat my scars for the first few months. After that I attempted to use various scar treatments in order to lessen the red coloring and slightly raised nature of my scars. This didn’t have much of a visible effect due to my inconsistency; I found massaging my scars triggering in a horrible way. I also had very prominent stretch marks on my chest due to years of horrible binding methods.
I left my scars alone for many years, allowing my chest hair to cover them. I still was not comfortable revealing my chest in public, despite my chest being very well healed and the scars no where near as visible as many other guy’s chests.
Fast forward to last week when I was cleaning out the bathroom cupboard and came across a bottle of Bio-Oil I had purchased a while back to apply on my scars. I was unsure if too much time had passed for any scar treatment to be remotely useful – but it was worth a shot because I had scar care readily avaliable.
I shaved my chest in the shower (I fucking hate chest stubble! Ew!) and once dried, massaged my scars and stretch marks for approximately five minutes each side. I’ve done this for almost a week daily now, and I could not believe the results after a few applications.
I really feel it’s the massage coupled with the Bio-Oil which is working; the massage being the most effective part of the duo. I feel it increases circulation into the scar tissue, allowing the scars to become much more representative of sourrounding skin tone.
I noticed that not only did my scars fade to almost nothing in terms of coloration, but that my massaging seemed to flatten out the slightly small areas where I had almost pimple-sized bumps from stitches healing. The ends of my incisions were slightly raised (approximately 1-2mm above the surface of the rest of my skin) and this has made them lessen dramatically also.
I guess the purpose of this post was to inform men who have had surgery quite a while back to not give up on scar treatment. It may still work. In fact, I now have somewhat of a renewed confidance that eventually, with massage and scar treatment I can get my scars to a level which I will find acceptable to become shirtless in public.
300th follower shoutout. Cheers.
transmandad 