FIrstly, I can tell you’re at a crux here and I urge to you keep speaking about this to people. If you don’t have anyone you can trust, feel free to message me like you have here.
As for “how I got here” – that’s a whole long story. Things that made my transition easier were the fact that I literally moved half way across the country when I began medical transition. New city, new people, no one from my old “self”. I removed myself from my home town for at least a few years.
Initially I pushed everyone away that knew me from “before” – including
friends and family. I pissed a lot of people off, and if I could do my
time again I’d probably make more of an effort to explain why I felt I
had to retreat.
This isn’t feasible for most people, and I realise I am exceptionally priveliged. I moved straight in with my now Wife and Son, and my Wife supported me for the first couple of weeks while I was looking for work and arranging University.
All in all, it’s been the last few years where I have finally felt settled enough to begin to feel somewhat comfortable with my place in life. I am by no means “successful and awesome” – these measures are subjective. I am human, and I have dark days too. We’re all in this together.