Learning about male socialization at the same time as my Son….

I’ve been “transitioned” – that is, living as stealth except under certain circumstances since I was 18 years old. I’d just gotten out of high school and felt as though the end of that era would be the perfect opportunity to start new, without people knowing my history. As a result, I never really got the opportunity to learn how to socialize with men on a male level until I myself became a Father.

I’d had an easy time pre-puberty; I preferred to keep the company of boys over girls, played on a football team entirely consisting of boys minus myself, however those things seemed far less complicated upon reflection, and it all felt very distant from the awkward social crusades I’d been embarking on since I’d not only left my parent’s home to transition, but the state entirely.

I was lucky in that K was only 11 months old at this time, and children’s socialization is fairly neutral in terms of gender politics up until they reach school. Often even after that. How lovely.

What that meant was that I had approximately 5 years give or take in order to get this shit down so I could have some answers when asked in the future.

Various disasters and me being completely anti-social and awkward to begin with aside, I learnt how to be comfortable in situations that had previously made me uncomfortable. 

When K began school, he actually found it odd that some of his friends that were male expressed dislike that he chose to play with little girls occasionally. To K, these things were irrelevant; if you were into playing in the sandpit, you could damn well play with him.
We simply explained that kids can get a bit funny with girls vs. boys type things, and told him we were proud of him for standing up for his friends.

Fast forward a year or so (Grade 1), and K is exclusively playing with male friends except for rare occasions. He has two girlfriends (who are both aware of each other!) and he finds this quite acceptable but his mates think this is absurd. Why would you want to hang out with girls, let alone have a girlfriend?!

Year two came around and things got interesting. All of a sudden it was certainly not cool to have a girlfriend (he’d had one the entire year! haha) and girls who were simply play friends before became completely uninvolved from the very serious games of pokemon and spys in the yard. He came home one day, very upset because his girlfriend had dumped him without citing why and had that same day decided Henry would make a more suitable companion.

All I could think of was “You are 8. This isn’t supposed to happen for a long time jsdgajskdfga!”

I did the whole “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!” dealio, all while explaining that it took his Mum and I a lot of years to find each other, and that he will lose a lot more girlfriends in the future but I’ll be here to answer anything he needs and listen whenever he wants.

I explained that this is all part of growing up.  But sheesh kid, you’ve got soooo long to do that.

What I found confronting with all of this was that I didn’t feel remotely qualified to be having these little talks about the nuances of socialization in the school yard with my Son, simply because I didn’t have the history I should have.

Who am I to try and help you when I am learning too?