Something I’ve been thinking about/noticing lately – too much free time on my hands as my girlfriend is away.
When we were in my home town this year and went past the boy’s grammar school, my girlfriend asked if that was the school I went to when I was younger. I panicked a bit internally and deflected it the first time, but after she asked the second time I said yes, when in actual fact I went to the girl’s grammar school 15 or so minutes away. I don’t know if she forgot about my status or wanted to be affirming (weird way to go about it) but either way it put me in an odd place of having to deny an experience to my girlfriend.
Similar issue is that my girlfriend complains about period pain each month. I had periods for x amount of years and I’ll suggest shit that worked for me (moving about, orgasms, certain painkillers) and she gets a bit of a shit on about it, saying on a few occasions that I don’t know what the pain is like and to stop being a dick for wanting her to still do things those days. And I’m put in the same situation each time, I either have to say ‘you know I had those too right?’ and feel like shit for reminding myself I’m like this (and uncomfortable as all hell that I’ve talked about it with her..and scared she’ll imagine my pre-op/t genitals, or me having periods, or something that makes me less.. male..) or pass it off that I don’t have any idea what it’s like an have my knowledge/experiences erased.
I choose erasure. And while it’s the best option in the sense that it leaves me feeling less terrible inside, it still comes at a price that weighs on me sometimes.
I don’t know how to articulate it, and probably should have thought about that some more before I wrote this; but at times like this my decision to be stealth and ignore my past with my partner feels hard or limiting, because I can’t talk about things that maybe I’d like to. Or maybe it’s just that I’d like the option, without feeling like I had to check what I’m saying for ‘reminders’, I don’t know. I stand by being stealth, and not talking about my past with my girlfriend. It’s not an easy decision and it’s by no means perfect, but it leads to the least heartache most of the time. That said, it feels like I’m in a weird place sometimes, and I imagine it’ll feel like that whenever I choose to deny an experience.
This is a very important post and I want to thank you for articulating things I have never been able to.
transmandad 